Who will finish on top?
– by Bill Nolan and Kristina Danklef
For entertainment purposes only. Not for the faint of heart.
Isn’t this a great time of year? Cool, crisp temperatures, colorful leaves, and oh yeah, horror movies… They are definitely my favorite genre, although sometimes I wonder why the victims can never get away? Maybe they aren’t the sharpest knives in the drawer, or maybe they just didn’t have the right technological tools, or if they did, they didn’t properly use them. In any case, what if the victims of past horror flicks were just a little more savvy with their social accounts?
Without fail, there is always someone falling down while trying to escape the clutches of a psychopathic killer like Jason Voorhees. My advice? Access your YouTube account and dial up an instructional video on running before trying to act like you’re Usain Bolt. That 2 minute video could be the deciding factor as to whether you and your business will be appearing in the sequel.
When you have a stranger calling, you may really need the experience of a professional to handle this situation. That’s what LinkedIn is for! what better place to find your savior? Pull out your smart device and start scouring those profiles. You should have no trouble finding a bodyguard among the thousands of people working in security related fields and the insanely “beefed up” profile pictures. These guys will gladly exchange places with you on the madman’s butcher block. That’s what LinkedIn’s all about. It’s their job, right?
Maybe you are lucky enough to snap a photo of the delusional miscreant that would like to have you over for dinner, and I’m not talking as a guest. What are you going to do with it, turn it over to the police to file away until after your demise? Chances are, if that photo isn’t powdered and stuffed with jelly, you are probably just wasting your time with the po-po. Put that picture to better use and post it online! With close to 400 MILLION monthly users, on Instagram alone, someone is bound to recognize the maniac.
So, you and your friends decide to go on a camping trip. What you didn’t count on was breaking down in the middle of nowhere with crazed, inbred hilljacks hunting you down like dogs. Well, instead of running around in circles like fools and getting picked off one at a time, access Google and get the hell out of there. Don’t bother going back for your car and trying to get it started. Trust me, it won’t start, and the noise from the engine cranking will only tell the demented hillbillies your location. Use your legs, that’s why you have them… Please see notes on YouTube.
You wake up in an unfamiliar place. The next thing you know some madman is demanding that you play a game. Don’t worry, you’re a seasoned veteran of Facebook gaming. Handling these kind of requests are your specialty, right? Good thing you accepted all of those game requests. Use this valuable knowledge to your advantage, and escape this trap as well!
Do you have a grotesquely burnt, razor fingered psycho ruining your beauty sleep? Hey, if Freddy Krueger can check in and out whenever he wants, why not beat him at his own game? A little hocus pocus is required for this one, but it is the movies. Just pull out your smartphone, check into a location where the aforementioned nut is not. Then, let him find you. Time to checkout! Do this as often as you want and let him use what’s let of his fried brain to find you! Chances are he’ll lose interest and begin stalking someone that’s less technically savvy.
What can I say? Ideas, ideas, IDEAS! This platform covers every situation under the sun. You can even organize the possibilities of death by horror movie character into categories. Say you have a masked man like Michael Meyers coming after you. Thanks to Pinterest you know how to handle a knitting needle, and you can do a lot more damage. There are so many ways to stab your William Shatner look-a-like assailant, and thanks to Pinterest you can get the job done. While you’re at it, you can learn how to knit proper clothing for new horror situations like FROZEN…
WARNING: The horror movie situations listed above are fictional. This blog was developed mainly for entertainment purposes, and it was created to help you and your business understand some of the basic uses of each platform. The suggestions listed are untested by Sourballpython, but if you do have a chance to give them a whirl, please let us know how they work out for you… if you’re still alive! Mouahahaha!